i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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