i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
