we're chasing vodka with high fives
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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