is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
