can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
