bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
