There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize