People in love make me want to vomit
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize