Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize
