I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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