I wish I could teleport
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
