I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
you had me at cake vodka
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
