thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
