so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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