3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
