Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
