Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
