I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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