god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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