There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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