Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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