You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
