somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize