i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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