I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
