omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Randomize
