so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
