I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
