The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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