dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
