96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
