why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
