im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
