My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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