The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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