halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I am midnight drunk by noon
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
