I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
