I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
