"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
