had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I party with great urgency now.
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