I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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