Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
