i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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