There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
