I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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