Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
