If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
