I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
