just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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