there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
