I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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