Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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