when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
