Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
