I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
