Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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