i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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