Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
