Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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