i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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