I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
