there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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