It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
