Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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