I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
